Coming To Grips With My Fears: Rebuilding My FoundationPosted on: 2009-02-02 22:26:42
There is a lot going on in my life right now. You might be able to tell that from my previous post. I'm going to try my hat at some different writing for the time being. There is quite a bit of adjusting going on from myself, my family and Sarah's family. It's all going really well (I think). During this adjustment I feel like I've really been able to open up and be really honest with myself and with others. It's tough for me to be open about what I'm thinking about because of how I think and the processes that go through my head.
I've had a chronic problem since the 7th grade with two specific problems: "autophobia":http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autophobia (fear of being alone and something that some "people on the internet have dubbed":http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060925193918AA67hS4 "rapturephobia" (fear of the apocalypse).
Anyone who knew me in high school and early in my college years might have easily guessed that I really didn't like being alone. I got really antsy and acted very immature whenever I was alone. I spent a lot of time in front of the computer and it seemed to help assuage the pangs of anxiety. I constantly had to have something in front of me to distract me from the reality of being alone whenever I was. Luckily I had some good friends and roommates and that was never a problem and, for the most part, never really adversely affected me in deep painful ways. It was usually what followed in those times when my thoughts would creep down a path that I dare not tread.
Fear is a powerful force. It can spread the fastest of any sickness and cripple armies, "spreading from one person to another":http://www.youversion.com/msg/Deut.20.8. It can cause you to act rashly and "trip over yourself":http://www.youversion.com/msg/Lev.26.36, even when there is nothing to truly be afraid of. Lord knows that I've done my fair share of tripping, running and being overly fearful for things that, as a Christian, should not even have a place in my life. I guess that is why they call them "phobias":http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phobia, though. There is that irrational characteristic that gives that edge any other common fear.
I can't tell you why I fear the end of the world. I just know that when the fear grips me, it holds me tight and fiercely. The fear itself might not be the biggest issue. For me, it's always been my reaction to the fear: running away, hiding, or just plain panic. It cuts me off from the world. It destroys the peace in my heart. As a man in battle, if my training was completed, my weapon issued, and my life and my freedom were at stake my reaction would be to fight. The fear of engaging in combat and possibly losing my life would be swallowed up by what I've been trained to do to protect myself and defeat the enemy. And in my heart, I believe that I have a fight inside me that would not be easily conquered.
What is at stake here is not my physical life and freedom, but my mental and spiritual well being. I have no reason to fear. I never had one. There is no reason to fear anything that is coming because in Christ we have a promise:
bq. John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (NIV)
This script is quoted so often, I think, because it sums it all up (John had a way with words and putting things in such a way that made it that way.) The message is plain, overt, and unmistakably clear: we have nothing to fear if we trust in Jesus Christ. This is my foundation, my training, and my song. Now, when I feel the sword of fear coming down upon me, my weapon will be ready and I will fear no more. I will stand fast in the promise that has been made by the only one who is capable of making it.